all i want is you..

SO! There is a chance that we can have a 72 hour long visit. Oh how nice it would be to sleep in his arms again. It’s very nice to be able to sleep in his bed every night, and to see his dad daily (who is a spitting image). I miss him so much. We have come so far already! Its been over 100 days! If my calculations are correct this months phone bill should be around $900. Lovely. But can you really but a price on someones sanity? I enjoy hearing from him multiple times a day and i know that these calls help to stabilize his sometimes unbearable  mind state. It’s not that much longer now until he is back in Ottawa at least. Remember when you were a kid the summers always seemed to fly by! I really hope that happens this summer. I know that it’s probably going a lot faster for me than it is for him. I seem to be keeping busy and i think this is what makes the time seem to fly by. I really hope that it conintues to move along at a steady pace..

Enough of my useless, blazed, ramblings. Goodnight!

December 10th is the day that all of this will be over and he will be home for good. I cannot wait. Things will be a lot better after September 10th as he will finally be back in Ottawa. It sucks trying to find a ride to Kingston every weekend. If i were to to take the train I would have to wait around for 5 hours after our visit! Blah, but on another note.. I really want to go get some chocolate milk. But i dont want to have to go upstairs. I slinked down a while ago and have just stayed here. I still feel awkward being here. It is so much better than home though.. This phone bill is going to kill my paycheck though. But it is nice to talk to Ryan a lot, it has been the highlight of my night. Ryan asked me to get my own phone line put in here then he doesnt have to worry about them being on the phone when he calls and i can just pay my own bill. Fuuuuuck that. I feel awkward enough being here now im going to ask them to install my own phone line. Perhaps he should just put more of his money on the phone card!!…..anyways..clearly my workout plan is going awesome, i have had my gym membership for over a month and still havent used it… suprising? no. Tomorrow i have to buy a fan a walkman ( you know those things only cost 10 bucks now, wow technology has changed so much) and 1 cd. Now i must go to bed. Friday, finally. 

so tomorrow is the day i get to have physical contact with my love again!! i am so excited i cannot sleep! i have waited for this day for 3 months! i really hope that it is not humid and therefore sweaty!! we get to go mini putting. should be fun i am horrible though! but its only 9 holes at least and we get 3 hours and 45 mins together :) so pumped. i am wearing a pink dress and flipflops:) i really hope that i get the tv and at a low price. i cant wait for all of this nonsense to be over with! its not so bad living here. his parents are very nice, i tanned for hours in the pool today while no one was home. they never run out of chocolate milk. it is not always hotboxed with cigarette smoke. i can freely smoke weed outdoors (and 007 blaze indoors 666) it sucks that i am not so close to the majority of my friends now. soon i will have a buspass though and then i can visit there more often at least… what a day i have ahead of me tomorrow though! i am soo excited. i hope that everything goes smoothly. (i must remember to bring my toothbrush so he cannot detect smoke 666) (i must actually quit smoking soon!!!!) i do not have any dro for the trip unfortunately. i hope that brad and his gf bring some.. well i must go to sleep now i have to be up early and it is alreay late!!! arrrgghh. wish me luch!!

what a day. i was so excited. for what? first i sat and let them talk for what seemed like forever. then when it came to my turn it was like the spotlight was put on me and i was the one who was supposed to carry on the conversation. I dont have too much to say, when i mentioned to him that Tracey and i were joking about making cue cards hes like what, you can’t even carry on a normal human conversation with me anymore? I know that he is stressed but sometimes i just wish that it didnt come out only on me. On the other hand i am happy that he uses all of his phone time to call me. I love him, so much more than i ever thought love could be. I just never thought that it would be this hard. 

SATURDAY! its only a day awayyyyyyyyyyy!!!! <3 hopefully i can think of something interesting to talk about. This is the part that i tend to fail at. What do you say to someone you havent seen in 2 months but talk to everyday? I never know what to say. I am not “preoccupied” i just dont know what to say! I love you! I have done everthing i can and visit when i can i just dont  know what to say about it.

so today was a good day. first time to smoke at work and we ate dq after!! mmmm. what a good day! I am pumped to see Ryan on Saturday even if it means being ready to leave at 5 30. Even after all this time the nights are still rough and lonely. What i would give to have just one night. One night out of this nightmare. At least the time is passing at a decent rate. 2 months passed. 6 to go. Still going strong. I have semi-quit smoking. Cravings are a bitch. Bad moods are making me weak. Love make me strong  er! I never know what to say to him. Am i supposed to tell him about all of the fun things that i am doing? Or perhaps my dreams for the future. Dance around ideas? Straight to the point? This is so much harder than i ever imagined it being. Sometimes you just know that someone is worth all that you have to give. Even if it means pushing limits. Good friends go a long way that is for sure. I am very excited to go to montreal for lisa’s birthday!! finally a much needed trip!:) couldnt have come at a better time! I think i just need to lighten up and live a little.  

today was a good day. i got off work at 1 and chilled with kurtis again and things are fine. i knew they would go back to normal i was just a little worried as i know that he will help me through this, alone with the others. i talked to ryan 2 times on the phone once for 15 mins and once for 40. i am so excited to see him on saturday!! then on sunday i think that i am going to the movies with lisa. i havent been to a movie in so long! and i know that she will brighten up my mood. i am excited to further my dj abilities starting on tuesday with dj corey. one of the things on my list to do before his return. this is going to be hard so i must find things to keep my mind busy as well as goals to work towards. goingto sleep with a smile on tonight..in his pyjamas <3..im lame, i know 

hold me till i die, meet you on the other side…

What a hard day! Work went well i even got off early. A few times he popped into my mind and ultered my mood for a moment but i force myself to be strong. After finding out that my ticket could not be reduced and i will have to pay asap, i broke down a little. The smallest thing makes me so sad. My hormones are fucked up already because of the week off my pill but now hes gone so im already on edge. Hearing from him made my day. His voice so comforting and very necessary for my sanity. Today we agreed to get married when he returns. Nothing fancy, just a trip down to city hall. I dont want to ever be without him again. He is so perfect for me. Finally someone that treats me like a princess and is such a kind hearted person. Oh i love him. After talking with mary and connor this eve i realized that this is going to be harder than i thought. I know that i have good friends and they will help me when i am feeling my worst. He is the first boy that i have been with and not been tempted to wander. I love him, an increasingly immeasureable amount! I just have to remember that this will end, and soon. When it’s over the true happiness will begin. I am strong. 

Well, to say the least, today was one of the hardest days yet. When ryan kissed me goodbye and left the court room i didnt know that that was it. the last time for a little while that i can kiss him and touch him for a little while. I cried a little in the car on the way back from perth with him family. I wasnt thinking about what he was going through until his sister mentioned how his face turned beat red when he walked through the doors away from us. That was the moment he was talking about, the moment when his whol life came crashing down. Oh i love him so much i really do. i feel he is different from all the rest, and the only person in the entire world worth waiting 4-8 months for. I’m not yet sure exactly how im going to make it through this time but i know that i will. I have to, for him. At least i get to go and see him this weekend in brockville. I must try my best not to cry infront of him as it will only make things haarder im sure. I just have to keep in mind that this is not permanent, just a short break. The future will be good to us and i know all of our goodkarma will come back in a strong way, i can feel it. He is such a good person andi just wish that the world could see him for who he is and notwhat he hs been labeled. oh i love him. This afternoon was hard. After getting home and thinking about him i couldnt help but break down. Sometimes its nice to get it all out, but this pain and emptyness that i am feeling came faster and stonger than i had origionall imagined. I think that i wasnt letting myself believe that he was actually going, so when he did my world also came crashing down. but its not forever just for now. Shortly after he returns we can live together and not have a curfew and sleep together everynight. (He even said he would buy me a teacup puppy!!!!) This one is different and the only way i can make it through this short time is to think about and dream up what the future holds for us. This isnt like me at all but he is worth it. <3   

So, last night he told me he loved me. Obviously i told him that i loved him too! (So much for waiting for his return). IO lost my phone the other day sometime on my way home from his house in the am after skipping work (second time this week!) Today he bought me a new one!! I wonder what kind! How sweet of him. I love him! This time is my chance to change, he’s wrth it. I will never find someone as kindhearted and caring as him. This is one relationship that i dont want to ruen by not being truthful. I am excited for him to meet kurtis. :D:D:D:D love love love love!